f0 >> the late >> president trump's victory lap included several jabs at romney on social media, including a video released on twitter calling the senator from utah a "democrat secret asset." ( "ispy" theme song )

>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! dems the break week: 2020

candidates, gone but not forgotten, except the ones we forgot. tonight: taunts and prayers. plus stephen welcomes: mayor pete buttigieg and patton oswalt. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, hi there! ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. very nice, very nice. how lovely. how lovely to be with all of you. no place i would rather be in the world than with you people right now. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so here we are. here we are. trump was not removed from office, which we never really thought he would be.

so what now? wither the republic. some people fear that now there is going to be nothing to hold him back. trump unleashed, off the rail. "a," that's not a leash. it is just a really long tie. ( laughter ) and "b," there were never rails, not even those little bumpers they put in for kids to bowl-- nothing. so trump's not going to change. and this morning, trump began his toxic victory shamble at the most appropriate place for vengeance, the national prayer breakfast. ( laughter ) you know what they say: the prayer breakfast is the angriest meal of the day. trump, clearly humbled by his impeachment, began with a very contrite fist pump. he really seems to, you know, like that. he wants to cherish that moment, make it last forever. let's give that to him. jimmy, can we loop that, please? ( laughter )

yes, there he is. ( cheers and applause ) there he is. he is really, really just milking the moment. ( laughter ) now, before things-- do not reuse that footage for your own filthy purposes, do not. now, before things got started, trump continued his gloating by holding up a newspaper with the headline "acquitted." this is an historic moment. i mean, it will be remembered like harry truman holding up the paper saying "suck it, dewey." the keynote speaker of the breakfast was a man named arthur brooks, who had an important message of forgiveness. >> my friends, that is the theme of this breakfast today, love your enemies. >> stephen: what a beautiful sentiment. and so appropriate, following the divisive impeachment. the president immediately followed that with this: >> arthur, i don't know if i agree with you.

but i don't know if arthur is going to like what i am going to say. >> stephen: sorry, i'm a little hoarse right now, but when i'm around so many christians, the demon just pops out, you know. ( laughter ) factus sum sicut homo sine adjutorio inter motuuos liber. so not a lot of love and forgiveness at the prayer breakfast, specifically toward utah senator mitt romney, seen here after one chocolate milk. ( laughter ) romney was the only republican who voted to convict trump, and he justified his decision by citing his oath to god. trump also attacked nancy pelosi, who has said she prays for him, and here is his two-fer attack. >> i don't like people who use their faith as justification for doing what they know is wrong.

nor do i like people who say, "i pray for you," when they know that that is not so. >> stephen: wait, how can-- how can he know what someone is really praying? oh, no! did he get the russians to hack god! ( laughter ) but... ( laughter ) just had a mental image, because that's not good for anybody. god has seen all the pee-pee tapes. ( laughter ) now, even when the prompter told trump to talk about his friends, he couldn't help but bring up his enemies. >> for this cherished tradition are a lot of friends in the audience, that and the enemies and the allies. and we have them all. we have allies, we have enemies, sometimes the allies with enemies, but we just don't know it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, that sounds a little paranoid, but trump says he is a christian, and he is just echoing the lord's words at the last suupper.

truly, i tell you, one of you will betray me, and it's mitt iscariot. get him! then trump forgot about the prayer thing all together and just launched the ramble on the mount. >> our unemployment numbers are the best in the history of our country. women, best in 71 years. sorry, we'll have you there soon. soon it will be historic. we have to apologize to the women. >> stephen: yes, you do have to apologize to the women. ( cheers and applause ) usually, that is part of the settlement. ( laughter ) now, trump's performance was so inappropriate, that even fox news summed it up as "trump slams opponents at national prayer breakfast." that is the worst presidential headline since nixon drop kicks baby panda at the national zoo.

now, trump's pity party made another pit stop. shortly after noon today, in the east room of the white house. trump claimed that everybody had it in for him from the very beginning. >> we had the witch hunt. it started from the day we came down the elevator. >> stephen: it wasn't an elevator! ( laughter ) every one knows it was an escalator. for pete's sake. you were riding on it! you were on the damn-- ha ha. we've got you now, mr. president. the whole thing was a weird event. it just-- it was-- when you watched it, you weren't sure what to make of it. you couldn't pin down exactly what the thing was. and, evidently, the president agreed. >> and tis really nowsnferen. it's not a speech. it is not anything. ( laughter ) ♪ this, this ain't no party this ain't no disco this ain't no foolin around

♪ the point is i'm a psycho killer and i'm burning down the house ♪ ( cheers and applause ) "it's like during wartime. it's like during wartime." since this is a white house event in the formal east room, trump was at his most presidential. >> first one through, russia, russia, russia. it was all bull(bleep). >> stephen: wow. i know i would like to point out that for you people at home, we had to bleep that last word, because cbs has higher standards than the president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) we can't-- we can't-- i can't-- we can't-- we can't broadcast stuff like that. that is why the network had to change the title of the new hit sitcom "bob (bleep) abishola." ( laughter )

and... people at home are like, "i would watch that." even though-- even though impeachment is over, he couldn't resist talking about the ukrainian phone call. >> think of it, the phone call. a very good phone call. i know bad phone calls. >> stephen: oh, i'm sure you do, mr. president. ( laughter ) they always start with, "i swear i've never met her before." and they end with, "okay, where do i send the check?" then trump complimented-- ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) sure, why not? why not? >> jon: the people vote. >> stephen: big fans of nondisclosure agreements here tonight. then trump complimented one of his biggest defenders in congress. >> when i first got to know him, jim jordan, when i first got to know jim i said, "huh, never wears a jacket. what the hell is going on? he is obviously very proud of

his body." ( laughter ) >> stephen: jim, jim, what's that like? i haven't seen my junk since 1986. ( cheers and applause ) can you-- is everything good? trump kept talking about jim jordan's record, maybe even more than jim jordan would like him to. >> all right, this guy. so at the n.c.a.a. meeting a couple of years ago when he was in college, wrestling champion, n.c.a.a. that's a big deal. that means, in all of college, you are the champ. you are the best. his record was ridiculous. nobody could beat him. >> stephen: "yes, jim wrestled hard and hit the showers.ca it just google 'jim jordan, wrestling and showers.' you will learn everything you need to know about jim." we've got a great show for you tonight. mayor pete buttigieg is here. stick around. it's historic.

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hello, i saw you move in, and i wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood with some homemade biscuits! >>oh, that's so nice! and a little tip, geico could help you save on homeowners insurance. >>hmm! >>cookies! uhh, biscuits. >>mmmm, is there a little nutmeg in there? oh it's my mum's secret recipe. >>you can tell me. it's a secret. >>is it cinnamon? it's my mum's secret recipe. call geico and see how easy saving on homeowners and condo insurance can be. i'll come back for the plate. laso you can enjoy it even ifst you're sensitive. se. saving on homeowners and condo insurance can be. yet some say it isn't real milk. i guess those cows must actually be big dogs. sit! i said sit!

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and the peace of mind that helps you focus on what matters most. that's the power of sanctuary. and for a little extra help, you can now purchase a new lincoln remotely, and defer payment for up to 120 days. you can now purchase a new lincoln remotely, ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. my first guest tonight is the former mayor of south bend, indiana, who just made history at the iowa caucus. please welcome mayor pete buttigieg. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪

>> stephen: mr. mayor, thank you so much for coming back. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: good to see you again. >> thanks for having me. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> stephen: how have you been? ( laughter ) >> not bad. >> stephen: it has been-- it's been an extraordinary fall and winter so far. >> yeah. >> stephen: we have talked three times. this is the third time that we have spoken, and one of the things i always like about talking to you is that you actually answer questions that are posed to you. i don't actually hear stump speach when i ask questions, people ask you, "who have you been impressed with?"

and i go, "there is this guy, pete buttigieg, the mayor of south bend, indiana. that guy is running." i say yes. when you first came on, people didn't know who you were. >> i was thinking, almost exactly a year ago, my book was coming out. you were very kind to me, but i had this sense that maybe you were a little skeptical of my chances of coming anywhere near the american presidency. >> stephen: a little bit, a little bit. south bend is a lovely place. >> it is, yeah. >> stephen: you won last time with, like, 8,000 votes, or something. it is not the same scale that we imagine that a national candidate succeeding on. >> of course. >> stephen: and one of th things i said to you at the time was, you know, one hopeful sign i see in america is that the third or fourth thing i learned about you was that you were a gay man. i learned everything else first. and now i think it bears noting that you are the first l.g.b.t.q. person to win delegates in any presidential contest. ( cheers and applause ) what does that mean? what does that say to you?

( cheers and applause ) and i will let them have their moment. what does that mean to you personally? and what do you think that means about america? >> well, what it means to me personally is that, you know, the very same thing that i thought might mean i would never get to serve, in uniform or in office. it turns out to be-- talk about good having a sense of humor-- it turns out to be part of how i have had a chance to make a difference. i didn't set out to be the gay candidate or the gay president, but i also was open to who i am. and my hope more broadly, is that, you know, i know there are a lot of people, a lot of young people wondering if they fit, feeling like maybe they don't belong in their communities, maybe even questioning if they belong in their own families. and, hopefully, this is one significant bit of proof that they belong after all, and they belong in this country. ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: we know you best-- everybody on your posters and everything, it says "mayor pete." >> yeah. >> stephen: if you end up becoming the 46th president of the united states, will it be "president mayor pete"? ( laughter ) >> doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. technically, i guess it would technically have to be "president former mayor pete." p>> maybe just pete.t. >> stephen: do you know-- this is being taped on wednesday for thursday night, that's when i asked my producer, what is the latest we know-- do you know what the latest results are from the great, if confused, state of iowa? ( laughter ) >> so the last i checked, by the measue of state delegates equivalents, we are on track to be the first-place winner in the iowa caucus. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you know how much is reporting at this point? >> i think-- i believe it is

over 80%. i think there is another 15% or so of the precincts to go. so we are still waiting on some of these verified results as we sit here speaking. >> stephen: but you actually did caucus. you went ahead and said "yeah, i'm pretty sure we won." that is what historians call ballsy. ( laughter ) why even campaign in new hampshire? why not just declare victory there now? can you name me as the winner of the emmys so i don't have to give congratulations to john oliver next september, right now? ( applause ) >> i could, but i don't know if it would go as well for you as iowa went for us. i mean, look, we were, obviously, waiting on the verified figures. but the thing about the caucuses it's not like a secret ballot vote. people do it out in the open, high school gyms. reporters are there. so we had observers and volunteers there. >> stephen: and they write the totals on the board. >> exactly. we had seen enough to know, even with the final math-- which we are waiting for-- that there was no way that it could be anything but an extraordinary victory for this campaign.

>> stephen: have you guys communicated with any of the other campaigns about our mutual frustration about what happened? because you spent a year in iowa. >> mostly. >> stephen: mostly, but on and off a year in iowa. >> yeah. i mean, the last three weeks, we spent 55 events, working towarding this for years, bus tours, campaigning, there were debates. >> stephen: were you afraid it would end up being meaningless, all that effort? >> nothing can change the fact of what that caucus meant. and what it meant are so many iowans who stood in front of their neighbors and friends and made this statement. but it is generally nice to get the results-- well, it would be like at the emmys if you had to wait a couple of days after the ceremony to find out who actually got it. i'm sure very frustrating for everybody. >> stephen: it is pretty frustrating already. ( laughter ) now, okay, so let's talk about iowa. there is some criticism that it is not representative of the united states. is a win-- if you are right and you get the majority of the

delegates and are technically the winner of iowa, what does that mean nationally, winning in some place that is so demographically nondemonstrative of the rest of the country? >> there is no question that it will be as important in the future to compete in states that have greater racial diversity. for example, we will be in nevada soon, we'll be in south carolina soon. but here is one of the reasons why that iowa success is so meaningful. i means that we were able to succeed in rural areas, in suburban areas and in urban areas, in counties that voted democratic the whole time. and many of those counties famously swung in a big way from voting for president obama to voting for trump. and if we want to beat donald trump, and i think we all-- at least most of us-- want to make sure that happens. ( cheers and applause ) you know, all of us candidates are going around the country saying "pick me. i'm the one to go toe to toe with this president. i'm the one that can put together a big win." and the process of proving that

began in iowa, and this is a great way to demonstrate that. pgoing toe to toe with president trump. now that president trump has been acquitted by the senate, does it change at all how you run against a president who has been acquitted of impeachment, found guilty in the eyes of even many republicans? a majority of americans wanted him removed. and, yet, he stays in office. >> you know, my biggest concern about the effect of this is a sense of exhaustion with everything, because we see the process in the senate-- it wasn't a real trial. they didn't have witnesses. everybody knows that trials generally ought to have witnesses. the jurors, so to speak, many of the g.o.p. senators made clear this was a foregone conclusion. and the worst thing that could happen if we give in to a sense of hopelessness or exhaustion and walk away from the whole process. but the best thing about the

fact that it is 2020, we are living in an election year, is yeah, the senate was the jury in the impeachment, but we are the jury now. and we get the final verdict on the president and on the senate in the election. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: did you watch what mitt romney said on the floor of the senate? >> i caught just a little bit of it, yeah. >> stephen: yeah, he seemed to be the lone voice within the republican party who believed that the oath required him to remove donald trump from office, or to vote to do so, at least. have you spoken privately to any republicans about how they feel when the door is closed? >> g.o.p. senators don't generally confide in me. ( laughter ) but-- but i know enough people who know enough people to know that mitt romney is not the only person in that chamber on the republican side who knows that what the president did was grievously wrong.

and ,you know, i do think he deserves credit. i think he has been on the wrong side of a lot of issues, but i think he deserves credit for having followed his conscience on this and done the right thing in this case. and the fact that he is the only senate republican to do it, more than anything, that says a lot about what is happening in the senate g.o.p. >> stephen: mr. mayor, we have to take a little bit of a break. we'll be right back with more pete buttigieg. stick around. more than ever, your home is your sanctuary. that's why lincoln offers complimentary pickup and delivery servicing. we'll pick up your vehicle and leave you with a lincoln loaner and the peace of mind that helps you focus on what matters most. that's the power of sanctuary. and for a little extra help, you can now purchase a new lincoln remotely, and defer payment for up to 120 days.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back here, we're back, everybody, with presidential candidate pete buttigieg. let's talk about the wine cave, okay. you got a lot of criticism. >> diso we have to -- >> stephen: no, we have to talk about the wine cave. >> okay. >> stephen: you took some fund-raiser in a wine cave in california and raised a ton of money and had, you know, bottles of wine worth multiple hundreds

of dollars. it seemed very elite to people. i want to thank you for having that dinner, because i made jokes about you doing that... >> did you? >> stephen: and the wine cave sent me some very good wine. >> really? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yes. so thank you. thank you, wine cave. i don't know who to thank, but thank you. the halls-- the halls-- >> there is some really good cheese in the green room right now, so i think we're even. >> stephen: a cheese cave. >> i appreciate the cheese. >> stephen: do you understand why people might criticize that? because there is-- especially this year, there is a sense that we should not be beholden to special interests with huge amounts of money, in order to influence candidates. we need a grassroots broad coalition of people, and that turned some people off. >> i understand the frustration. and i'm not a fan of the campaign finance system we have today. i'm also a fan of beating donald trump. and what we've got to do right

now-- first of all, mayor of south bend, indiana, is not exactly an establishment fundraising powerhouse. so i wouldn't be here if we hadn't gotten hundreds of thousands of people to go to, peteforamerica.com, chip in a few bucks, and build this campaign. now, if somebody can give up to the legal limit, which is $2,800, and they are willing to do that to support my vision for moving this country forward, then i really think they should help get this done. and i will make exactly one promise to anybody-- whether they are giving three bucks online or the maximum allowable by law-- and the promise is i'm going to take that contribution, and i'm going to use it to build the campaign that is going to defeat donald trump so we can actually get the reforms this country needs. ( applause ) >> stephen: i hope you're right, i hope you're right. was it a nice wine cave? was it nice down there? >> i have not been-- i don't

have a lot of experience to-- >> stephen: there aren't a lot of wine caves in south bend, indiana? >> we do have a cheese cave in south bend, indiana. >> stephen: good. american cheese? >> probably. but, yeah, we have a regular basement at home. i think there is some wine down there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, let's say you win. let's talk about changing washington, or adding a progressive agenda to our government. "you say progress in the government cannot depend on the good faith of the g.o.p." so if you are president, how do you achieve what you are promising now? >> so here is what we have going for us. even-- even more than what was available to president obama a decade ago, there is a powerful american majority that wants to see these changes happen, that wants to see higher wages, that thinks it is ridiculous that a corporation like amazon or chevron pay zero in taxes on billions of profits. even on health care, making sure that every american is insured. even in areas where my party has been on defense in the past--

immigration reform, doing something about gun violence, climate. every one of these issues, the american people, even in conservative states, want something done. so if you can't have a good- faith conversation, and there is not a lot of good faith, especially in the senate g.o.p. right now, then i think what you have to do is go directly to the people who expect this of their leaders, even in more conservative districts or states. and to me, that is the best use pwith the oval office thatomes the president uses mostly for the purpose of traveling between golf courses with his name on it. i don't even golf. and my idea of the best use of that airplane is to fly it right into the backyard of a member of congress or the senate who is getting in the way of these ideas, defying not only my white house but their own voters, and remind them of the daylight between them and their own representatives, and see if that-- that just simple political power finally has the effect of reuniting some of these senators with their conscience. and if it doesn't, then making sure we do our part to get a new

senator. >> stephen: the presidency is already vested with enormous power right now. if you became president of the united states, are there any powers of the presidency that you would surrender? because it is a snowball of power that just keeps getting bigger in the presidency. and we just saw the worst abuse of it yesterday by not holding a president accountable for trying to mess with our elections. what would you give up, as president? >> i will give you an example that is important to me as somebody who served overseas. if i am ever compelled to use force and go to congress for an authorization to do it, i will make sure it includes a three-year sunset, an expiration date, so that if there ever did need to be a renewal, if i or another president really thought that was necessary, you would have to go back to congress and have that conversation. because, also, you know, congress has been, i think, all too happy to leave some of its war powers to the side, because it's just messy and difficult and complicated. >> stephen: they don't want to be held responsible for a decision they make. >> yeah, but if people can find

the courage to serve, they ought to be ready to have the courage on whether to send them there or keep them there. i will constrain myself as president by making sure that vote happens if a conflict goes on more than three years. >> stephen: mr. mayor, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) mayor pete buttigieg, everybody. we'll be right back with mr. patton oswalt. stick around. helping many people with type 2 diabetes like james lower their blood sugar. a majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. here's your a1c. oh! my a1c is under 7! (announcer) and you may lose weight. adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. i lost almost 12 pounds! oh! (announcer) for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as heart attack, stroke, or death. it lowers the risk. oh! and i only have to take it once a week. oh! ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: folks, my next guest tonight is a grammy and emmy award-winning comedian who i always enjoy talking to. please welcome back to "the late show," mr. patton oswalt. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> oh! >> stephen: lovely to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephn: i feel like i kind of see you, because i follow you pearls of wisdom every so often. >> the pearls. yeah. >> stephen: you throw it out

there. >> sometimes. >> stephen: how have you been? it's been too long. it's been almost two years, or something, since you have been on here, and we miss patton oswalt. what is wrong? what did i say? what did i do? >> i miss patton oswalt. i am traveling. >> stephen: you're busy. >> i am on the road, and i'm flying out almost every weekend doing standup. so i'm on-- >> stephen: is that stressful for you, all that traveling around? does it wear you down? >> it gets you a little weary. and i'm very paranoid about, like, the coronavirus and everyone on the plane. >> stephen: you are doing standup in wuhan province or-- >> no, i am booked there for a handshaking festival, which i'm a little worried about. >> stephen: okay, okay. can you explain this? because i was told this had something to do with that anxiety of yours. i will show it to you first so you know the photo so i am going to--do you want to explain this, or should i show this first? >> when i fly on planes, i am-- half the people are coughing and sneezing, so i put a little thing over my face that i-- yes, that i wear.

( laughter >> i-- i-- >> stephen: is it necessary to look like a character from "assassin's creed," an homage? what is this? >> it's me being paranoid. and, of course, the internet set me right going. "oh, that mask doesn't block anything. and ,if anything, it creates a moist environment that makes viruses"-- again, just completely made me ten times more paranoid about everything. >> stephen: wait a second. if i saw you on my plane, i would get paranoid. >> well. >> stephen: this would not calm the rest of us down. >> exactly. >> stephen: this is like driving through the lincoln tunnel looking over to the guy next to you, and he has scuba gear on. >> well, there are a lot of people with face masks, like surgical face masks. i'm trying to be a little stylish and post-apocalyptic with it. >> stephen: nothing calms people down like post-apocalypse. >> yeah, you know. >> stephen: so, do you still get

recognized with this on? >> wel, weirdly enough, on my flight last weekend-- it was a morning flight-- we get in, everyone immediately goes to sleep. but i guess i got up to use the restroom a couple of times with my mask on, with my hood. i guess i was scuttling through the plane, and then i get my phone pings. i get a d.m. on twitter--ter -- >> stephen: is this it? >> yes. i get a d.m. on twitter from, of all people, jack ryan. john krasinski was sitting across from me. he d.m.'d me, "bizarre question, are you dressed as a ninja on a flight to l.a.? ( applause ) ( laughter ) if so, i may be sitting next to you." so-- >> stephen: wait a second. how little eye contact do you make in public? because krasinski is, like, 6'3", or something. and he's john krasinski!

>> he's john krasinski-- he's taller sitting down than i am standing up. he is huge. >> stephen: a very big guy. >> he is watching a movie. if you look at the tone of the message, yes, he is being friendly and funny, but there is some fear in that, like are you? >> stephen: he doesn't know this is you. >> there is a patton-shaped ninja, for some reason. so i either had some really bad scrambled eggs and i'm hallucinating, or something is about to happen. so ,yeah. >> stephen: now, i saw something online the other day which i just love. you have a daughter, alice. >> yeah. >> stephen: >> stephen: how old is she? >> 10. >> stephen: she will still do-- what i like about-- i post video. she will still do things with you. >> yes. >> stephen: that does end, fair warning. >> she is on the very edge of the eye-rolling stage but still likes to do things. >> stephen: we have a clip here that you brought. you want to set up what is happening here? >> yeah, i tweeted this out a couple of weeks ago. i have been reading her the "harry potter" books since she

was five or six. and we-- and the other night, we were reading number seven, "the deathly hallows," and we were getting near the end. and my wife, meredith, came in and just randomly started filming us as we are sitting there reading, and then filmed the moment when i finished all the "harry potter" books with alice. but this is it. >> did you just finish them? >> yeah. >> you just finished all of them? >> that was the last sentence of all of it? >> that was the last sentence. >> was it amazing? ( laughter ) >> stephen: how are you guys not crying? how are you not crying? ( applause ) >> well, if you notice, there is a little-- like, i'm doing one of those little things right there. you can also barely hear me say at the beginning, "all is well." but i want to keep doing that, and i don't know--

>> stepen: it's been five years. >> i don't know what the next book to transition to. >> stephen: how about "lord of the rings?" >> here is the thing with "lord of the rings," there is some-- because there is "the hobbit," which is-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. >> wait a minute. did you just go, like-- >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) "the hobbit" is not "the lord of the rings." >> your twitter mentions are going to go into the toilet right know. ( laughter ) oh, my god! >> stephen: don't get me wrong. pthere are some really lovely there are some really lovely things about it, there is the mention of gondolin, there's thranduil, there is the scene with golum, the back story. >> the finding of the ring. >> stephen: that is the theme of golum. >> yeah, i know, but-- >> stephen: don't try to school me on the things that i like about "the hobbit," right here, ay.i'm not going to r "sr wars." don't come into "the lord of the rings" over here. >> we all saw what you did to james franco. we all remember that brutal beatdown when he quizzed you on "the silmarllion." that was pretty brutal.

>> stephen: thanks. > but for a ten-year-old. >> stephen: she's ready. she's patton oswalt's daughter. p"the hobbit.", i would say read that is fine. but she's ready, man. >> i'm just-- i'm like, because when i was her age, when i was ten-- and this is due to that really benign parental neglect in the '70s, because my parents were great parents, but they were like, "oh, this is a killer dog, 'cujo.' enjoy." so i was like-- i swear to god. i read-- i read "the stand" when i was ten. i read-- >> stephen: wow. >> stephen: have you slept yet? >> it was a very-- it is a very weird way to enter-- to read before you go through puberty.

like, you know what i mean. it feels very strange. and i can't read her "cujo," "well, and then the kid died and the mom went crazy, okay. good night." like i can't-- that's not the way to finish. like maybe i could eventually-- and she-- by the way, she sees all the stephen king books on the shelf. "i want to read some of those." "no, you can't read those yet. no, not yet. you can't read those yet." >> stephen: i didn't know you were in favor of censoring things. >> oh, stephen, for god's sake. i'm not going to read her "the shining" and read her a love scene in a haunted hotel. i'm not going to-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm merely (bleep) with you, patton oswalt. > okay. i got very defensive. >> stephen: i understand that you cannot wait for people to attack me over "the hobbit." that is going to be insane.i'sut is going to make it to air. >> oh, really? ( laughter ) wow. i didn't know you were so into censoring things. ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: we have to take a break. >> oh. >> stephen: please join us, we'll be right back with more sir patton oswalt.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're here with patton oswalt. patton, you have a new standup tour called "i love everything." >> yes. >> stephen: do you, though? >> well-- >> stephen: share some love. >> you know what, you know what, steve? sometimes my love of things leads to hatred. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that is either very deep or very dumb. >> thank you. ( laughter ) for instance, i will give you an example. i love a clean and orderly starbucks fixings area with all

the sugars and the milk. >> stephen: cinnamon and stuff like that. >> yes. and i don't know what is going on. people, you go to those starbucks things, and they-- it's like, do they open the sugar and just kind of go like this and they drop it down. and they just kind of-- it looks like they were adding milk to their coffee but pouring it in their palm and putting it-- trying to-- it's so disgusting. do you know what i mean? and it drives me nuts. >> stephen: people are animals. they are animals. >> look-- >> stephen: i have seen stadium bathrooms cleaner than the fixings area at starbucks. >> by the way, the stadium bathroom, you have an excuse for that to be messy. there is a game going on. i have to get back to the game. i'm a little drunk. what is going on at starbucks where you are just-- like, people are running by-- i don't know what. the starbucks fixings area, that is the only time i have ever gone, i don't know if we're going to make it as a species. we might actually-- we're certainly not going to colonize

mars. if this is how we leave-- we are not going to teraform another planet if you can't throw away a sugar in the raw packet! ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you. so few of my guest use the word "teraform." >> thank you so much. >> stephen: check out patton oswalt for his tour dates, pattonoswalt.com, everybody. we'll be right back.

clang clang clang. >> ham bone! ham bone! >> stephen: death by ham bone. how did stephen die? well, he was am-boning. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kitty hawk, maryland, give it up for your